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k0kka.livejournal.com) wrote in
queenofheartsrp2011-02-02 10:31 am
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[She's back out here again, a tiny altar to all that she holds dear. She's down on her knees in the dirt in a new white shift.]
Wish Abe was here, bit too manly and dead for this place though. [She looks upwards and is silent, listening to the world around her, all the trees and the animals, they make unnatural sounds in this strange garden, chords drawn in directions Paderau doesn't understand and can't really decipher with all the fire in her center. If Jast were here, he could sort it out, but no boys allowed and all Paderau can do is listening to him singing in the back of her mind. The others are there too, always are, that's the way it should be.
She voices herself eventually, pensively,]
I learned a long time ago there's nothing to do but wear it. Screaming never brings anybody back. [Hadn't brought her ducklings back, hadn't brought Abe back, won't undo this.] Haven't felt this helpless in a century, I swear it. I guess it was about time I got back on my knees.
Xion, baby, I know I need to talk to you. And the gal I apparently chewed on.
[She closes her eyes tiredly.]
I'll be here for a while.
Wish Abe was here, bit too manly and dead for this place though. [She looks upwards and is silent, listening to the world around her, all the trees and the animals, they make unnatural sounds in this strange garden, chords drawn in directions Paderau doesn't understand and can't really decipher with all the fire in her center. If Jast were here, he could sort it out, but no boys allowed and all Paderau can do is listening to him singing in the back of her mind. The others are there too, always are, that's the way it should be.
She voices herself eventually, pensively,]
I learned a long time ago there's nothing to do but wear it. Screaming never brings anybody back. [Hadn't brought her ducklings back, hadn't brought Abe back, won't undo this.] Haven't felt this helpless in a century, I swear it. I guess it was about time I got back on my knees.
Xion, baby, I know I need to talk to you. And the gal I apparently chewed on.
[She closes her eyes tiredly.]
I'll be here for a while.
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I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
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It's okay. You're okay now.
[she bites her lip; her eyes are dry, but there's a lump in her throat still.]
I'm...okay too.
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I'm glad, hon. I'm glad. You and Mahalia were both so damn brave, I'm sorry it had to be against me.
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I'm just glad you're back.
[she can forgive, because she's done something like it--forced friends to fight her. Selfishly and otherwise. Except she'd done it willingly--that was worse, much worse.]
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Yeah, I'm here, and we're gonna make sure none of that shit happens again.
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We were going to stay with you...but then I changed--
[she swallows hard. She's so ashamed that she ran away.]
I left Mahalia alone...she didn't get hurt, did she?
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You both did great.
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I...I hurt you.
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It'll stop?
[the guilt for all she did still eats away at her inside, carving a hollow space emptier than any Nobody has. This, on top of it, is fainter but still fresh, scratches still stinging with antiseptic. She looked for injuries, for blood, but found none. It was all inside.]
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It won't be quick, and it shouldn't be quick, but it'll stop if you keep treating those you care for right.
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[but she shouldn't be troubling Paderau with this. Not here, not now.]
[she nods, turning her head a little, her eyes a little too bright. Perhaps with tears.]
I'll do my best.
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That's all anybody asks.
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Maybe sometime we could--...
[she has to stop for a moment, and reorganize her thoughts.]
Before I came here...I used to do something special with my friends every day. We'd all eat ice cream together. Do you think...we could do that some time?
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I love ice cream, hadn't found any around here yet though, maybe we better pick a substitute.
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[she does smile a little at that wink. She's glad Paderau is feeling well enough to be positive.]
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